chemo sabe

It has been such a long time since I updated my blog and the main reason was that I was preoccupied with getting rid of the biggest source of clutter in my life. I am talking about the 80,000 extra white blood cells that my bone marrow has been storing since 2003. When I first got diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia in April of that year I had very little understanding about the disease and at first I was petrified because it has the word leukemia in it! As the years went by the disease showed itself to be mostly benign and it progressed slowly. I continued on with my life going to work, runnning, waiting for summer to come, and buying crap I didn't need like antique wine glasses at a garage sale.
About a year ago I started having a lot of pain in my lymph nodes from the accumulating white blood cells. When the blood makes too many of these white blood cells there is no place in the bone marrow to store them. If there is no room in the bone marrow then the white blood cells start to fill up in organs like the liver or spleen or they go into the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are kind of like those rental storage units for the body. I met with my doctor and we decided that it was time to start chemo to slow the disease down.
I remember reading an article a few years ago which stated that Americans have begun using retail shopping as a form of therapy. When we feel bad, sad, mad or glad we go shopping and justify our purchases because we "deserved" them. When my doctor and I set up the dates for my first round of chemo this spring I immediately went into full justification mode and started seeing everything through the "well if I have to go through chemo"... perspective. The first thing I bought was a pair of earrings. Then another pair of earrings. I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got a new bed spread and pillowcases. I went to Target and got new pajamas. I went to Costco and got a set of glass storage containers because plastic is the new evil that causes cancer and god knows I didn't want a second cancer. I went to Old Navy and got a hippie skirt to remind me of when I was young and skinny and was only worried about whether or not Richie Livolsi (high school BF) thought I was a good kisser.
Chemo was tough. Nine times I had to sit in the chair in the infusion room, waiting for the medicine to finish dripping into my arm. I visualized it making its way around my blood stream, helping me to eliminate the extra blood cells. I made some jokes with the nurses and tried to act upbeat. Then coming home so tired and so incredibly nauseous and I know I was really crabby to the people around me. Nothing tasted right, nothing felt right and nobody could appease me.
(Warning-sentimental section coming up-like that final scene in a movie where you cry even though you could guess the ending an hour into the film)
So once again I was reminded that none of the material things in my life will ever bring me the peace and comfort that my friends and family can. I was so fortunate to have friends come to the infusion room with me and fetch me gingerale and Lorna Doones. They let me sleep when I was tired and gossiped when I was awake. My husband sat with me and fetched me sandwiches from the lunch cart and showed me how to roll up the electrical cord so I wasn't dragging it on the floor when I had to take my drip with me to the bathroom. Friends brought soup, gifts, books, and prayers.
Kemo Sabe was Tonto's nickname for the Lone Ranger. It meant "trusty scout" or "loyal friend." I thought that the phrase was appropriate for this title because all I really needed to get through chemo was my loyal friends. I can't use the new bed spread because it still reminds me of chemo so it is on the bed in the guest room. I don't wear the new pajamas because they "smell like chemo" to me so they sit in the dresser drawer. I do like the hippie skirt and I love the earrings. I didn't lose my hair but it has gotten a lot thinner so I cut it short and the earrings make me feel sparkly.
This post was overdue and now I will try and get back on track with my blogging and my clutter campaign.